The Suppliant Women

It will soon be four years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Four incredible years when I have learned so much about myself, my abilities, and about the people I love. At 65 I, in a way, feel more alive than I have done all my life. That isn't to say I don't get tired, fatigued and knackered. What I do do is stuff I like. I take my pictures for myself and others. I do stuff with the OLGBT community, I cycle and I go to the theatre, The Suppliant Women being today's play at the Royal Exchange.

After I was done with radiotherapy I want on to Tamoxifen and was on this until November last year.
The Tamoxifen hadn't caused me any problems so I didn't think twice when the Nightingale Centre suggested going onto Letrozole. All was fine until I started having severe foot pain. Pain that woke me up and made walking difficult. So difficult that I tripped in St Anne's Street in the centre of Manchester and felt a lot older than 65 when someone rushed to help me up. I am therefore on a break from these tablets and await a consultation with the team at Wythenshawe.
If there is one thing that is important post surgery and radiotherapy it's do the exercises. Oh and make sure you enjoy life.

As today is the day after the sad events outside Parliament my thought today is, things change in a fraction of a second so be kind and love as much as you can.

Where's the tooth fairy when you need her?

I think this photo reflects my mood today.  I went to the Oral Surgery thinking that I would get my root canal filling done, after all, he had x-rayed it last time, but no, he made a chart of my mouth.  I find this ridiculous in this day and age and considering that I have gone to the dentist every six mouths for around 57 years. I would have thought that it was possible to transfer a chart electronically.  I was then sent for a full mouth x-ray. 

I expressed my concern that the next appointment would be months away.  The consultant went into a big explanation about staffing levels.  Somewhat patronising.

The photo is Windy Corner.  If you have travelled over Saddleworth Moor on the M62 you may have seen this mast.

Alternative Energy

 Along with trying to get daily exercise I am trying to get regular picture taking in.  These were taken on the Cliviger moors, were the West Riding of Yorkshire butts up against the Lancashire moors.  Not only is it windy up there, it's also several degrees colder than in the valley.  It was bitterly cold the day I took these.

Each walk I have done, has of course, this being the Pennines, involved going up a least one hill.  Each one leaving me breathless.  One of the consultants at the Christie said that it could take up to a year to get full lung function back. 

My only other medical complaint is that I have sudden, random, stabbing pains in the operation side.  These are unpredictable and can make me cry out.  The oncologist had said to ask my GP for Gabapentin.  So I am now taking that three times a day.  Although the pain has reduced it has not gone all together.

I joined the march at Barton Moss to protest against 'fracking' one Sunday.  I can't see that fracking will be the answer to our energy needs that the government thinks it will be.  The operators are in danger of polluting our vast underground water supplies here in the North West.  If you don't know about fracking, please find out.

I have been seeing a counsellor at 'Oldham Cancer Support'.  I self referred myself after a massive anxiety attack.  My anxiety was about some house maintenance that is needed.  A bit barking really, you would think that I would be anxious about cancer returning or my life being shortened by it. 

Tomorrow is Oral Surgery day, so hopefully my holely tooth will be sorted.

Once again, circumstances have made me think about the fragility of life and I think the best I can say is 'Seize the Day'.  If there's summat that needs to be said say it because you may not get another chance.  Let people know how much they mean to you.
Take care, love one another and love where you live.

Goodbye Christies.

I was discharged by the Christie today.  I will still have to visit the Nightingale centre at Wythenshawe hospital for the next 10 years which seems a hell of along time.  I will be 72 by then which in itself seems impossible.  I do have a feeling of being adrift at sea now.  

I joined an online breast cancer group recently.  This is a bit of a two edged sword.  Reading other peoples experiences highlights how lucky I have been but also there are so many cases of the cancer reoccurring that it doesn't help my anxiety.

On a positive note the Oral Surgery at the Royal Oldham have managed to get me an appointment this month-a bit better than their original one of July.  I am trying to figure out a way of complaining about their appointment system that will result in them looking at their shortfalls.  Unfortunately I feel this is a system that is not capable of listening.  I really think that we need to point out,constructively, the failings of the NHS.

The North wind will blow, and We Shall have Trampolines.

After a stormy Thursday night I returned home to Chadderton, after spending the holiday at A's, to find the above trampoline in the back garden.  I don't enjoy storms as I worry about the damage that may occur but I wasn't expecting this.  It had blown in from next doors garden, tipple topping over the five foot fence and landing the right way up and just dipping a leg into the pond.  I will not be trying it out even though I am tempted to do so.

It's difficult to remember a Christmas tide that I didn't find sad or sorrowful.  Lots of reasons for this and if I related them to you, you would probably get your violin out.  A and I have unconventional Christmas's that often involve bike rides, decorating or some physical work.  We are lucky to have similar mind set about this time of year and are able to enjoy it in our own way.  I enjoyed three days of cooking.  There will always be part of me that longs for the adult equivalent of the doll that I lusted after in Rushton's post office window in the '50's (odd cause I would have really preferred a

 train set) but I am truly thrilled to receive this Christmas cake from a dear friend.

And of course, I have been blessed this year with life itself.  Gifts that are priceless.

My best wishes for 2014.  I hope to celebrate the wonderful people in my life and life itself.  Enjoy everything and everyone that you have been blessed with.

xxxx

62

I am truly blessed with the friends I have.  Thank you all for your heart felt best wishes.  Sometimes I didn't think that I would get to 62.  No big celebrations, in fact I spent the afternoon at an Age UK LGBT get together.

On returning home there was a letter from the Pennine Acute Hospitals-the Royal Oldham to you and me, informing me of a follow up appointment from Tuesdays visit to the Oral Surgery.  Now you need to remember that I have a hole drilled into the back of my front tooth by my own dentist about seven months ago.  So I think the appointment that was in the letter was a bit to far away-8th July.  It took 4 calls to different numbers to get someone to deal with it.  The booking and scheduling were unable to sort this.  A strange and inefficient system.  I really don't get why the Christie model can't be used throughout the NHS.

Enjoy the weekend and if you have finished work for the holidays have a restful break.

xxxxx

The Power of Words

Extreme anxiety a few weeks ago made me seek out some counselling.  I had picked up a leaflet about counselling, at the Christie Oldham on one of my radiotherapy visits.  I rung the number but it was engaged.  After I had repeated this several times over a few days and it was still engaged I decided that there was something wrong.  Support organisations of one kind or another sometimes don't survive because of they way they are funded.  People involved are continually looking for pots of money that they can tap into.  It's a time consuming business and needs a lot of staying power.  So it was with low expectations that I went to the website of Oldham Cancer Support.  I was glad to find that they are still operating, it was just that they had changed their phone number.

I had my first session last week and one today.  Very difficult to reflect on this as the last eight months and everything that has been involved in 'having cancer' still have a quality of having happened to someone else in a parallel universe.  I also think I got away with it (the cancer) quite lightly.  So I've nowt to complain about, have I?  I'll just have to see how it goes.

I was chuffed to see two good friends when I had my dental appointment at the Royal Oldham yesterday and today I spent sometime with a super woman who I am blessed to have as a friend as her wise words always help me to see a bit clearer.

Never underestimate the power of what you say to someone, words are a powerful tool for both good and bad.

xxxx

Finally, I Get to go to Oral Surgery

Today I finally had my appointment at the Oral Surgery, at the Royal Oldham.  It's a good job that this front tooth has not been giving me to much pain the length of time I have had to wait for this appointment.  I have been spoilt be the Christie staff.  Although the consultant that looked at my teeth was not unpleasant he could learn a lot from the way cancer patients are treated by the Chistie.  Before I went in to see him I had to fill a form out about my medical history including a list of my current medication.  After a preliminary examination he stuck an X-ray film in my mouth.  I protested at this saying that I had just finished radiotherapy.  He hadn't looked at the form I had filled in even though it contained relevant information to the procedure that is required.  Anyway they were going to send me to sit in the waiting room while they developed the film but as I was going to the Royal Exchange theatre for the matinee performance of Victoria Woods 'That Day We Sang' I made another appointment.  I don't think he was too pleased with me.

The play/musical was based around Manchester Schools Choir recording 'Nymphs and Shepherds' with the Halle orchestra in 1929.  It was full of Victoria Woods brilliant rhymes e.g. grapple with a pineapple.   Great fun and a joy to watch.  A great way to lift the spirits.

xxxx

Stoodley Pike

My latest venture into High Definition Range photography has taken me to Stoodley Pike.  A monument to the Napoleonic Wars (I think).  The area is rough moorland that is now in Yorkshire but was once in Lancashire.  These were taken before 2:00 p.m. I had forgotten how quickly the Sun goes behind the hills at this time of year.  I love the moors that straggle the Pennines.  They always seem so untameable and ageless.  They are another of my spiritual homes.

I have been reminded this week of just how fragile our existence here is and I am trying to live my life with this in mind.  So enjoy every minute.  Love one another and don't make work the be all and end all of your life. 

My love to you all.

xxxxx

Canal boats,Doctors and bums

Although the weather has been somewhat inclement I have been able to get out with my camera and in pursuit of more HDR shots I went Scarsbrick which is officially on Merseyside about 7 miles from Southport.

When I was on my way to Southport last I noticed that a new marina had been built on the Leeds Liverpool Canal along with a cafe and thought that this may be a good place to take photos.  As it turned out access to the boats in the marina was quite restricted and the cafe didn't have a great veggie choice.  Despite this we had a pleasant day and did manage a couple of HDR photos.

At four years old I went into hospital with a severe burn.  That would be 1955.  How different things were then.  I remember spending my birthday screaming Oldham Royal down and no one giving me any comfort and of course parents were only allowed in during strict visiting hours.  Then at 13 I spent a few days in Oldham & District Hospital in the care of Mr Steptoe, him of the test tube baby fame.  I wasn't having a test tube baby but was in his women's health clinic.  Both of these experiences put me in fear of doctors and hospitals, so I am reluctant to go to see my GP.  So, the pain must have got bad when I mentioned to him on Monday that I had a pain in my bum.  It would be more precise to say that the pain was around my hip.  I seriously thought this was serious.  He soon diagnosed it at bursitis which is damage to the the cushioning around the joint, if you get it in your knee it is "Housewives Knee".  He has given me some exercises which seem to be working well.

Perhaps cancer has given my more confidence in doctors and hospitals.

Enjoy your weekend and look forward to a well earned break.

xxxx

Southport

My efforts to charge my van's battery took me to Southport on Merseyside on Friday.  I went dressed for a very cold day at the seaside only for it to turn out sunny and calm.  

OFSTED in your dreams

Having gone through surgery, chemotherapy, radiotherapy, six days in hospital and more you would think that I would be having nightmares about breast cancer.  I fact I wish I was having nightmares about breast cancer.  However, last nights dreams consisted of me teaching science to a year 8 class in a very animated way.  They decided that they had had enough of this and walked out.  The man from OFSTED wasn't impressed and went for the head of year.  There is a a school of thought that says every player in a dream represents ourselves.  That may mean then that the lesson is the cancer and I am the one that leaves while Mr OFSTED is me going for the treatment in the form of the Head of Year.  What ever the interpretation is, frankly, I have had enough of this and want some nice hairy, fairy entertainment in the night time. 

My general anxiety doesn't help, I suppose.  As I write a man from Dynarod is examining the soil pipe outside as this is leaking.  Just calling someone out is a big deal, plus the fact that I might get ripped of, plus the fact that I think I am hopeless and should be able to deal with every day problems like an adult.

My Suzuki van refused to start again yesterday.  It's not surprising as it doesn't get driven much at the moment.   So I bought a jump starter so that I am not calling the RAC out every five minutes.  It has worked fine so I took the van to Kwikfit to get a new battery.  They said that I didn't need one-it just needed a good charge.  You see how this works-if I was better at things none of this would happen-I know it's crazy. Despite taking antidepressants (which help with anxiety as well) I find that I am constantly expecting my life to collapse.  I think one of my hopes was that I would find the smaller things in life would be easier to cope with and would have a smaller profile than they have had.

So Mr Dynarod has now gone and they will get back to me to tell me when they will do the job. Phew first hurdle over.  So now it's a fry up and some photo taking somewhere.
And for everyone that has to put up with OFSTED, 'Fascinating Aida' interpret it as 'Overpiad Fuckers Shafting Teachers Every Day'.

Enjoy your day.

xxxx

I didn't meet Alan Partridge

The three mile walk to Tandle Hills Country Park has not really changed in the 55 years that I have been doing it.  There are some new houses and of course there is the motorway link A627M but, the puddles that were there when I was 9 or 10 are still in the same spots.

On Thursday evening I went to the pub with a friend from my last place of employment and had a good couple of hours together.  On Wednesday lunch time I went to the same pub with a friend from my probationary year school.  Two completely different people but two really good friends.  If cancer does anything it does make you appreciate the essential parts of your life and friendships are just that.

So, Now What Do I Do?

Here are two videos with inspiring titles-Before and After Last Radiotherapy.

As you can read today was the last radiotherapy session.  There has been one particular radiologist that I have really liked having and I was glad to see her on the last day.  I have never really liked terms of endearment used on a casual basis but when this woman called me darling it seemed to make the whole process go easily.  She asked me how my skin was feeling and although it is intact it is a bit itchy.  So she has given me some hydrocortisone (to use sparingly).

Again, I have met some astonishing people.  Today I sat next to a man that had had throat cancer and was enjoying his life.

In the past week I have been with several friends old and new and will be meeting up with at least one long term friend next week.  I am really lucky to have you all in my life.

Enjoy the coming weekend.

xxxx

Sweeney Todd

You would think that the one bus journey I would find myself in tears on would be coming back from the Christie having been told that I had cancer.  That of course, dear readers, you know wasn't the case.  I was returning home to Chadderton today on the 181 when I found myself staring into the evening gloom with a few tears running down my face.  Why, I am not quite clear.  One factor was that as I got on the bus I heard the driver call me 'mate'.  This is quite a common occurrence due to my short hair, trousers and dark clothing.  It is something, however that irritates me cause, I guess, I feel that I am not being seen, and I suppose I am feeling less visible, as a woman at the moment.  BUT I will NOT wear pink!

I went to see 'Sweeney Todd' at the Royal Exchange Theatre Manchester this afternoon.  There was a group of pupils in from the school I used to teach at.  Speaking to a member of staff caused a pull on my heart strings so this was a factor in my emotional moment.

Just two radiotherapy sessions left.  Skin still intact so can't complain.

Take care.

Xxx

HDR

Just four more to go and then I should be done with radiotherapy.

There's not much that I can be enthusiastic about, so I have had to push myself on several occasions.  The weather hasn't helped especially when I would like to take outdoor pictures.  I did manage it yesterday and drove up to Jubilee Colliery which is a derelict site.  My intension was to take several shots of scenes at different exposures and layer them together in a HDR (high dynamic range) program.  This is one of the results.

It would probably have benefited from having a spooky face at the window!  

Not being far from Tod (Todmorden) I couldn't resist going to the Towngate cafe at Heptonstall.  A good eatery.

I am blessed to have folk in my life that I don't have to act with.  I was bemoaning the fact to a friend on the phone today that I can't be bothered with the housework or garden.  Her reply was to imagine that I was looking after a child, would we expect them to get their homework done and then do the washing up.  It can sound like psychobabble to say that we should look after our inner child but it can be very useful when we are being over critical of ourselves.

So make a special effort next week to look after your inner child-they deserve in.

xxx

Neglected bike and sweet chestnuts

I go for radiotherapy for the rest of this week and every day next week, not Saturday and Sunday. That makes 15 sessions in total.
Although the weather has been inclement (understatement) A and I have been able to get out and have some fun time.  Last Saurday I dragged her on to the 419 bus, which stops outside the house, almost as soon as she walked through the door.  Using our pensioners passes we travelled to Ashton under Lyne and had a tasty, healthy lunch at the Topaz cafe.  The caf is run by the mental health charity 'Mind'.  Worth a visit if you live round here.
Sundays weather wasn't much better.  For those of you farther away we have been having heavy showers for many days now.  A had brought my cycle helmet over.  Along with my best bike it has remained stranded in Longsight since I started chemotherapy.  After spraying my ATB bike with a lot of oil and jiggling the gears and chain we set off to collect sweet chestnuts from a stand of trees at secret location in Chadderton.  So now that they are dried off all that is left to do is to roast them.
Take care
xxx

Male Breast Cancer

I was reading an article in the 'Daily Mail' about male breast cancer.  The man involved had  some of his lymph nodes sent to the USA for a technique called Oncotype DX.  This helps to determine the chances of the disease returning and therefore helps to determine how the disease should be treated
The man concerned had a low chance of it coming back so did not have to have chemotherapy.  The 'Mail' described chemotherapy has gruelling and while I don't think it is a walk in the park I think it is irresponsible to describe it as gruelling.  My grasp of English grammar is not good enough to use another adjective but I would have liked the paper to have a better grasp of the situation.  There again this was the 'Mail'.
I am now into the second week of radiotherapy.  The morning sessions have been easier than the afternoon ones, as I seem to get wound up if they are later in the day.
The procedure is very simple.  It involves lying on a 'table' while the radiologist pushes and pulls you to get you accurately lined up with the X-Ray beam.  They draw further lines and marks on you.  For me the Linac (linear accelerator) machine has two positions and gives two doses.  Once the calibrations have been fed into the machinery the radiologists leave the room and control it from the next room, although you can communicate with them.  The administration of the radiation takes just a few minutes.  The unit is dealing with 80 patients a day so sometimes there is a delay when they get backed up but like the staff at the main Christie in Withington the staff at Oldham are caring and professional.
I am starting to feel the fatigue and am wanting to stay in bed in the morning.  I have been given different exercises to keep the arm mobile and I am trying to do them-honest.

Sun burn

So that's a weeks worth of radiotherapy and today the affected side is starting to get burned.  The radiologists told me earlier in the week that this was so but I had not noticed it but I did immediately start using the aqueous cream to excess.

I was booked in for physiotherapy today expecting that I would be doing a series of exercises.  The physiology did go through the warm ups but the actual stretches were left for me to do at home.

I have been lucky enough to have lift to the hospital some days through the week.  This as made a big difference and I have found the visits on these occasions much easier to deal with.

Yesterday should have involved a visit to to GP but this was cancelled by the surgery but I enjoyed a pub lunch with a former colleague.  It's a joy to be able to eat out, this was not allowed when I was on chemo.

If you get chance take a look at my article in 'Out Nort West' that you can read online.

Best wishes for November.

Xxxx

Moorland walk

We picked today to do the most strenuous walk I have done since the beginning of my treatment.  It wasn't meant to be too difficult but some of the footpaths are so badly way marked and in such bad condition we covered more ground than we had intended to do.
Having got the 181 bus (bus passes are great) we travelled to Jubilee corner in Shaw and walked over to Brushes reservoir, had a coffee out of the flask and then onto the 'Black Ladd' public house for our tea.
It poured down much of the way and when there was a distinct footpath it tended to be a stream.
You may think none of this was a big deal.  The moorland terrain can be ankle breakingly rough and uneven and the energy to do this walk was enormous.  So it is fair to say that I am very chuffed with myself, my recovery and my health in general.
Enjoy your week.
Xxx